Essay 7: We Deserve All of It

This is "Deep Thoughts #5" for 2018. I have taken Vanessa Martir's 52 Essay Challenge, and tweaked it a bit for this year. Instead of an essay a week, I'm just going to write some so-called deep thoughts. (Sometimes serious, sometimes jokey.) :)

A friend of mine was just accepted into the MFA program of her dreams, a program which she thought was out of her reach, but said “Fuck it” and applied anyway.

She is in shock.

Legitimate shock where she’s now experiencing anxiety attacks and restlessness and insomnia. Of course, there are other things feeding into her anxiety as well, but this seems to be one of the big factors.

Last week, I attended a talk given by Deepak Chopra; I’m still processing what he discussed. The topic was tied into his newest book, The Healing Self. He talked about physiology (from conception to birth and how quickly the body develops) tying it in, naturally, with cosmic energy and spirituality. I was riveted. There was so much goodness in what he was saying – I took notes with a furious speed. I wanted to capture everything. It wasn’t that everything he was saying was necessarily new, but the way in which he was saying it –the language!—I wanted to make sure I had it.

One thing that stood out most for me was what he said about anxiety. The root meaning of anxiety is “of a narrow place” or being in a narrow place. Not a place of fear, as most people think. He said that when we’re born, our first experience is that of anxiety. We are trying to pass through a narrow place in order to arrive in this world, in order to be born, to start life here. (Yes, not everyone is born vaginally, but there are still stressors, such as labor contractions. That can’t feel good. Haha.) So in thinking about anxiety in this way, maybe we can be a little more friendly with it – thinking about it as a passage into a new chapter of our lives, being born into a new life. What vast possibilities await us!

Of course, change is scary. The uncertainty frightens most of us. And so we cling to what we know. We resist change. And what do you get? Suffering! Yeah! Hooray!

Haha – I make jokes. But that’s because it’s easier to laugh through our pain than to allow ourselves to cry. At least for me.

The point I’m trying to make is that we are a funny bunch. We want certain things in our lives, we make dreams, ask for blessings –and when we get them, we freak out. I know I do! And I know, for me, that has a lot to do with my programming (of which I am currently trying to revise). When I got that residency fellowship to Millay Colony, I was in disbelief (I still kinda am), thinking: are you sure you’re talking about me & my work? Are you sure you want to give me this? Me?? Who am I, even? You’re sure? A lot of that is me thinking that I’m not good enough or I don’t deserve something like this or the good old impostor syndrome or or or… blah blah blah… I’ll tell you –and I hate to admit this—but, on a subconscious level, I probably apply for less opportunities and submit less often because of this kind of thinking. The “I’ll never get it, so why bother?” crap. I’m better now than I was, even just a few years ago. More often I think: Fuck it – I’m applying/submitting anyway. That’s what a mediocre white guy would do. Hahaha!

But I want to shed this thinking entirely. I want to set my intentions for larger dreams and to not be afraid, to not freak out when they are manifested. I’m also working to shut out the voices that are not encouraging, the ones who question what I do (how do you earn a living?). Sometimes one of those voices is my own. That’s some tough work right there.

So in this moment, I am aware –which is always a terrific start—and I am working on being kind to myself. And then hopefully soon, I can truly celebrate this gift of a residency from Millay Colony. I hope that my friend is doing the same.

And that maybe our mantra is this: we deserve all of it.