The Light, The Dark, The In-Between

This is (really late) Essay #49 of The 52 Essay Challenge, a series in which I write a new (unpolished & messy) essay each week during 2017.

The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light.

--Isaiah 9:2

I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, 

the astonishing Light of your own Being.

--Hafiz

How do you find joy even in darkness? How do you sustain hope that you will see that great light as darkness closes in?

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Me and the fam went out the other night to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. (Don’t worry: no spoilers here.) Let’s just assume we all know that the Jedi religion is loosely based on yogic teachings. (There’s one scene where Luke is levitating while he sits with his legs crossed. I can’t help but think of Book 3 of The Sutras.) Now, as with all Star Wars movies (and in any great story, for that matter), there is always that moment (if not several) in which we see the heroes at the very edge of defeat. Someone gets captured. Someone nearly dies. But always, always their limits and their character are tested. Will they rise to the occasion and fight for victory? Or will they succumb to the Dark Side?

We know, deep down, that despite how harrowing and desperate the situation might be, Light always wins.

But what about in real life?

It’s been a hard year for all of us. It feels like the world is exploding. The nation we have come to know and love is no longer that place. And we have to fight to get it back. Or, better yet: to recreate it into something more spectacular. But the road is long and hard. Can we sustain hope as we fight for freedom and justice just as the Resistance does? Can we hang on to that tiny spark no matter how dark it gets?

I am so freaking tired.

But this essay is not about the political battle. It’s about the personal one.

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I wish I had a story to you tell you today, but I don’t. I can only tell you how I am feeling.

This should be a time of great joy. There is promise of Light during the Christmas season. Jesus has come to guide us back to Light as we have lost our way in the darkness. Whether you believe him to be the Son of God or not doesn’t matter – he was a man who made a difference in people’s lives. He gave people hope. He lit a path to a better way of living. He showed us how to be kind, how to show love even to those who want to kill us. I am grateful for his example.

But lately, I am not feeling so joyful.

It is hard to be quiet here, among the glitz and glamour of gift-giving. Capitalism at this finest: creating desires for things that you didn’t know you needed. Do I need that car with the big red bow? No. Do I need an entire library with a big red bow? Maybe. Hahaha! Yes, the Christmas industry is alive and well. Secular songs on infinite repeat in every public space. They even sell you sentiment: Christmas is the time of year when you take a risk, a leap of faith and tell people you love them – or tell the truth about something. To go all out in a “Seize the Day!” manner. And you can say it with a card. Or the luxury car with the red bow. It’s all or nothing at Christmas, because… Christmas.

This feels—to state the obvious—forced. And trite. Contrived.

Which feels terrible to say because who can’t use a little more love, a little more honesty?

Maybe it’s just the angry melancholy in me talking right now.

Wait. What? Is that even allowed?? At Christmas??

This is one of the reasons why I’ve been hesitating to write this thing that may or may not be an essay. I feel sad, angry, exhausted, defeated. Totally defeated. How can I be okay with feeling like this when everything around you is celebratory, loud, and full of sparkle? And trust me, I love sparkles! So imagine how hard this is to try to be okay with feeling shitty.

Which is to say that I am not okay with feeling like a wet blanket on the fluffy cloud of sweet cotton candy cane that is Christmas.

But if I’ve learned anything in the past year or so, it’s that I need to honor where I am, to be okay with where I am, even if I find myself in a little bit of darkness or sadness or anger or anything deemed unattractive. I am okay. I am loved. I am worthy of that love. I am deserving. Even when I feel lost. Even when I feel like shit. Even when I don’t want to believe any of it. Even when I feel alone. Even when I feel defeated.

Just because I feel this way doesn’t mean I am those things: alone & defeated. (Friends reading this might be saying to themselves: I’m here for you! And I am grateful.) But I want to sit in this for a while. Is it wrong to want that? Some might say yes. And the tiny Asian girl within me doesn’t want to be wrong. But the grown me knows that it’s okay. I sense there is something useful hidden in there. What that is remains to be seen. I just have to be mindful that I do not get attached to the feeling of melancholy to the point where I get stuck there. Because that would not be useful. I also know that change is inevitable and this, too, shall pass. But for now, I am here, feeling this way.

Perhaps I am looking for Hafiz’s “astonishing Light of my own Being” which can be more easily seen in darkness. Perhaps.

Perhaps Joy is hidden in there, too. Or perhaps Joy is waiting for me on the other side. I don’t know.

I'm not looking for someone to cheer me up or try to fix me. I’m just looking for someone to hold that little spark of hope for me. Just for a little while. So I can rest. I’m already so tired.

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Fellow 52Challenge essayist, Beth Godbee, offered a few small ways to care for ourselves, to nourish our spirits. She offered her favorite things. Maybe this will, at the very least, get me grounded, back into my body. Epsom salt baths are the best. What are your favorite things?