Notes from Your Resident Hippy-Dippy: On Listening & Discernment

This is (really late) Essay #47 of The 52 Essay Challenge, a series in which I write a new (unpolished & messy) essay each week during 2017.

Follow your heart.

You see it on painted wood signs in the décor aisle of Home Goods. It’s on Instagrammed photos that then get shared on Facebook. If one is lucky enough: encouraging parents whisper this in the ears of their children as they wander off into unchartered territory called college. It’s a phrase we hear so often. But what the hell does it mean? What if you can’t even hear your heart?

*

Back in 2003, my friend Erika and I started on a spiritual path together. I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into, but I knew that I was looking for something. So, she suggested we started listening to Louise Hay’s book, I Can Do It! We listened because we could “read” the book during our commutes between home and work. Erika lives in the Bay Area and I’m in Jersey so we’d Skype weekly to check-in. We talked about writing, mostly (we two were a little writing “group”), but Louise’s positive affirmations also came into the conversation. Little did I know that this began my relationship with the power of mantra. That year, I could feel a shift within me. Something was starting to happen.

Over the years, we sought out book after book: Ask and It Is Given, The Art of Receiving, The Artist’s Way (which we both had for quite some time, but upon returning to it, found new ways of being), The Magic (oh, the magic of gratitude!), and everything Pema Chodron! I could feel my spiritual self grow and develop – it was really amazing! This is what I had wanted from my own religious practices (Catholic), but didn’t know that this was what I wanted, nor did I know I didn’t have it—until I got it.

Small things started to change. And the changes were tiny, incremental. I found more patience with people, particularly my kids. I could create moments of calm. I found yoga to be a more spiritual experience and not just a physical workout. The things that mattered to me were less about material things and status; instead, it was about intangible things: happiness, love, kindness. I felt more connected to my Self (though, at the time, I didn’t know it was higher, divine Self as opposed to self). I also started to pay closer attention. The universe was talking to me, and all this time, I hadn’t been listening.

*

I took my first Kundalini yoga class a year and a half ago. I had no idea what Kundalini was but I needed to take a class with this particular instructor and this is what fit into my schedule at the time. This instructor was running the 200 hour teacher training I was interested in. I needed to know who she was; word of mouth said she was fantastic, but I wanted to find out firsthand.

That was the longest rollercoaster of seventy-five minutes I ever experienced. Holy shit. This is what went through my mind during the class:

First: what the fuck is this? This isn’t yoga! [pause] But she did tell me it was weird. Man, is it weird! What the hell are we doing??

Second: Why am I sweating so much? Oh my God, this is worse than the hardest spin class I’ve ever taken – I might sweat all over my mat! And I don't have a towel. Shit. I didn’t know this was HOT yoga. Wait – it’s not even hot in here. What the hell? What the hell is going on? And we’re just breathing and twisting our spines. What?

Almost immediately after that: Holy shit. I gotta get out of here. What the fuck is going on with me? What? What? There’s something going on in here and I don’t know what it is and I want to leave. Should I just get up and leave? I can’t just get up and leave. Can I? Maybe I can. Shit. Come on. You can do it. Just hold on a little longer. Maybe it’ll go away. Hold on. Hold on tight. Brace yourself. You can do it. You can finish this class. I know you can.

[almost passes out]

Last ten minutes of class: wow – what is that warm light? It feels so good. I feel so light. Am I flying? I must be flying. Is the sun in here?

Later in the reception area: holy shit – I feel amazing. What the hell happened to me? [to Shannon]: What the hell happened to me?

I can’t remember if she actually answered. She probably just smiled at me and nodded. I signed up for teacher training right on the spot. Shannon was, indeed, fantastic. (Of course, I'd change my mind several times over the span of the 9-month training as she poked and prodded us in order to encourage us to evolve. No one said growth was easy. Or fun. But happy to report that I love her to death!)

*

Fast forward to the present.

Kundalini is the fast-track to heightened awareness. I kid you not.

With all of this awareness, a new challenge has come up: discernment. How do I know what I’m hearing is the universe? How do I know it’s not my ego pretending to be the universe? How do I differentiate between the two?

Well, it comes down to the gut. Instinct. The deepest parts of your heart.

But to get there, you need to get through some layers of shit. As you go through the layers, how do you distinguish the shit, the illusion, the ego’s desires from the real, the truth? What rings true? How do you know?

I know, I know: I sound like this esoteric New Age hippy-dippy again! Hahaha!

But these are real questions I ask myself. And there’s so much information out there, coming at us at the speed of light. How can we hear ourselves inside so much noise?

Oh, Meditation. Welcome to my temple.

*

Why, you might wonder, dear Reader, am I even asking these questions? Of what use will these answers be if I find them?

I am a Seeker.

Shannon called me this during our graduation ceremony for yoga teacher training. (There are varying definitions of this, but basically, it just means that I’m seeking out spiritual growth and development, that I’m curious –endlessly curious.) What this means for me is that I am looking for ways to improve my life and how I live it. How to evolve spiritually and how to lead a more authentic life. And what does that mean? To live in as much love and truth as best I can. And to answer the calling for my life, which is the same call everyone has: what are you here to do? What is your dharma? (Oooo! A yoga term! Hahaha!)

So in order to follow you heart, you first need to hear it. To truly hear it and not mistake it for the ego. For me, following your heart is about doing your best to live your best, most authentic and truth-driven life, led with love, kindness, and generosity. And what that looks like changes every day, every minute. My best might be taking a nap because my body needs it. My best might be eating a Bavarian cream donut because my body needs it. Hahaha! I'm kidding! My best might simply be listening to someone, to actively listen and see them --really see them. My best might be holding my tongue when I really want to shout. My best might be to shout after holding so much silence.

Get quiet a little bit everyday so you can listen. What does your heart-soul say? And after you listen, will you follow it?