Setting Intention (Essay 3, or the new Essay 1?)

This is "Deep Thoughts #1" for 2018. I have taken Vanessa Martir's 52 Essay Challenge, and tweaked it a bit for this year. Instead of an essay a week, I'm just going to write some deep thoughts. :)

The year is fourteen days old. We’re practically halfway through January. It is the start of Week 3. Here I am, writing my first post. I am a tiny bit late. (For the record, I did write Essay 1 & 2, but felt "meh" about it. So why not start fresh with something I feel good about ?)

My superstitions tell me that this will be an indication of what my year will be like: I will be late. To everything. (Which, to be honest, isn’t much different from last year – haha!) I try to resist this thinking, but it’s hard when you grew up in a family whose existence is braided with superstitions. I mean, do we really believe that we’ll have an unexpected guest if we drop a utensil on the floor? (If it’s a fork, it’ll be a male guest. If a spoon, female. I have no idea why. I asked both my parents & grandparents and they have no idea. Filipinos & their superstitions, man.) Still, we superstitious folks hold on to these things as, uh, “interesting” ways to set our intentions. I’m curious: does anyone else put quarters out on your porch on New Year’s Eve to draw in prosperity (a custom Hubs did as a kid – its origins are unknown)? Or wear red, again for prosperity (a custom we Filipinos borrowed from the Chinese)?

I want to do two things here:

1. I will not let these first two weeks determine the outcome of the next fifty.

2. I will deliberately, purposefully, mindfully set intentions for 2018.

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Expectations are a funny thing. What are they exactly? We’re often told to have high hopes but low expectations. What does that really mean? Hope for the best. Expect the worst. What kind of thinking is that? How confusing to the Self! We all do it, I know. I also know that it’s a protective measure. Apply for the job –go all out—but prepare yourself to not get hired. At least the disappointment won’t be so bad. Isn’t that setting yourself up? If our thoughts help create our reality, aren’t we already defeating our efforts by thinking in this way?

*

Last year was quite a feat for me. To write 52 essays in 52 weeks was nothing short of a miracle. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I agreed to the Challenge. I was eager to write, brimming with plenty to say. I was eager to let go of perfectionism and just publish rough drafts. I just didn’t know how much actual time –as in, actual minutes and hours—it would take to write these essays. It took a lot. So I’ve been thinking about the Challenge for this year, turning it over in my hands, examining its weight, its crevices, its curves like a river stone.

Because I know what it was like, I am a little hesitant to commit to 52 essays in 52 weeks. I want to make use of my time in a different way. And while the practice of writing is, in and of itself, useful, I already spent a year doing that. Now I’m asking: how will I engage with the practice of writing this year? My dear dear friend Ross wrote what he calls “delights” – every day for a year. That book, The Book of Delights, will be coming soon from Algonquin Press. I could try that: write a delight each day. But I am not like Ross, who sees the world with such joy even in the face of tragedy and despair. He is a gift of a person. Truly. If I were to attempt this, I would probably just grow resentment in my garden of failure, watering it with tears of “not good enough” and “this sucks” until I had a full bloom of pitch black blossoms, packed with thorns.

Yeah. That’s me. This garden sounds about right. Hah!

So what to do instead? I’m not sure. I’m mulling it over. But in the meantime, I will jot down some thoughts here –maybe on a weekly basis. Just to keep the writing practice going regularly. Maybe something like “Deep Thoughts With Leslieann” (I was reminded of that old SNL bit “Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy” on a friend’s FB page – it was pretty funny). That title alone gets me in a playful mood so I won’t feel pressure to have to be thoughtful or serious. I could just joke around about whatever was on my mind that day. Or muse over the latest spiritual breakthrough (or cry about it, depending. Haha!)

Yes. This will be my writing intention for the year. At least for this blog.

The other writing? Well, I’m hoping to finish my poetry manuscript. But that can only happen if I’m actually writing and revising it, actually working on it, instead of doing whatever else I do with my time.

(Come to think of it, maybe I should do a time audit. See where I’m at and then plan out my time accordingly. To be mindful, intentional in how I spend my time. For real.)

(And no, this is not me being hard on myself – this is me trying to hold myself accountable. Me being hard on myself? Hah! You should see that one! Hmmm… maybe that’s the next “deep thoughts” so-called essay. Heh heh…)

So while the first two weeks of the year have been slow-going and really rough for me, I will not let that dictate the next 50 weeks. I will acknowledge it and keep moving. We cannot change the past but we can learn from it. We cannot predict the future, despite what our past experiences might tell us –nothing ever goes the same way twice. We can only be here, present in the now. (How’s that for deep thoughts?!) So, sit back, sip that tea, nibble that chocolate and enjoy your time here. I want this to be a year of self-kindness and love.

xoxo—

Disclaimer: There may be posts in which I’m in no mood for love or compassion or joy or peace of self-kindness. I reserve the right to say “Fuck” a lot and bitch and moan and vent… as long as I bring a little self-awareness to the table. J Namaste, bitches! Hahaha! *muwah!*

my intention bracelet with the word for 2018: authentic